The Importance of developing Parent-child Connectedness
Information based on content from the BOOK: Six Ways to Keep the ‘Little’ in Your Girl. (Dannah Gresh)
- Across the board- more than any other factor- parent-child connectedness is the strongest risk reducer for teen sexual activity.
- Parent-child connectedness = ‘being closely bonded by common traditions & frequently occurring activities’. Intentional togetherness thru creating family time, thru recurring family tradtitions.
- Connecting is intentional togetherness! The BOOK: The 6 Ways to keep the ‘little’ in your Girl (Dannah Gresh) explore 6 ways of intentionally connecting to your daughter in a way that effectively forms values in a Tween girl.
- BOOK: All in Night: a simple family ritual which helps parents to proactively teach & learn with their children about the things that matter. (Lynn Burgess)
CONNECTION IQ QUIZ: a practical connection tool
Formatted from the BOOK :Getting out of Your kids’ faces & Into Their Hearts p136
How well do you know your child?
The more you are actively available to your child the more you are apt to know the answers to the following questions
- Who is your child’s best friend?
- What colour would your child like their bedroom?
- What’s your child’s favourite colour/flower/car,etc?
- Who is your child’s hero?
- What embarrasses your child?
- What is your child’s greatest fear?
- What is your child’s favourite music?
- What person outside of the family has most influenced your child? Currently influences?
- What is your child’s least favourite /most favourite school subject?
- What has your child done that they would most be proud of?
- What is your child’s biggest complaint about your family?
- What sport does your child most enjoy?
- What is your child’s favourite TV program/movie?
- What would your child like to be when they grow up?
- What chore does your child like least?
- What 3 foods does your child like most/least?
- What’s your child’s most prized possession?
- What is your child’s favourite family occasion/activity/game/boardgame?
- What’s your child’s LOVE LANGUAGE? If you were to do something for your child what would you do for/with them that would make them feel most loved? Would you spend QUALITY TIME with them, would you prepare a special GIFT for them, would you do something special for them, such as cleaning their room just the way they like it (ACTS of SERVICE), would you give them a massage or a cuddle while watching a movie (PHYSICAL TOUCH), would you spend time with them affirming them with words, or express how special they are in a card (WORDS of AFFIRMATION)??? BOOK :The Five Love Languages for Children (R.Campbell/Gary Chapman) *see book review section for further info.
- What’s your child’s primary PERSONALITY TYPE? Understanding the strengths & weaknesses of your child’s personality type (& your own) will assist you in understanding both them, & yourself better. This understanding can not only improve your relationship with your children, but help you to more effectively parent them. ‘It’s necessary for a connecting mum to understand each unique personality to be able to connect effectively’. (Dannah Gresh) BOOK: Personality Plus for Parents: Understanding what makes them tick. (Florence Littauer) *see book review section for further info.
- ‘Research shows there are 2 periods in one’s life during which there is explosive proliferation between brain cells- during the last few weeks before birth & just before puberty‘. The part of the brain developing is the prefrontal cortex at the front of the head, behind the forehead; the area largely responsible for appropriating & controlling moral behaviour/values. ‘Brains can be positively molded by structure, guidance, & discipline provided by caring parents/significant others.’ Another way to say this, is that a parents’ investment of time ( both physical proximity & emotional interaction) is helping their child produce the brain space to store moral values.
- Research proves that a child is less likely to experience at-risk behaviours if the child experiences parent-child connectedness. Connectedness reduces the risk of dropping out of school, crime, substance abuse, & sexual activity.Connectedness increases academic performance, social contribution, & the presence of healthy emotions & relationships. Overall a more socially responsible child results, & over time a more socially responsible & able adult.
- CONSIDER :the importance of encouraging & being a part of parent involvement at your child’s school
- Deut. 11:18-20 encourages us as parents to know God’s value system as written in His Word & then to spend time -sitting at home & in the everyday – impressing them into our children’s hearts.
- “Fix God’s words in your hearts & minds; tie them as symbols on your hands & bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking with them when you sit at home & when you walk along the road, when you lie down & when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses & on your gates...”
- Making God’s heart for your kids & your family visible & obvious thru the everyday comings & goings of life; having pertinent, practical verses on the walls, in the toilet area, on the kids bedroom walls. Talk about them in general conversation, not just at school chapel or on Sundays at church; bring God’s word & His heart into the everyday & enable His fruit to grow more obviously in your everyday. Do you see evidence of The Fruit of the Spirit growing in the life of your family, in the hearts of your children? “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control.” Galations 5:22.
- It’s only with the help of the Holy Spirit (through being ‘born again’) that your child can truly cultivate the fruit of the Spirit. Without the Spirit’s help we are only striving in our own human strrength. Some evidence may result, but often not ‘fruit’ that will remain through the storms of life, that WILL come!
- Prov. 22:6 Become a student of your children; learn their unique ‘bent’ so you can impart God’s values in creative ways that will impact each child according to their unique differences. “Train a child in the way he should go, & when he is old he will not turn from it”.
HOW to LISTEN so they’ll TALK!!!
- give your undivided attention. Look your child in the eyes & focus!
- ask their opinion. Eg. Where do you think we should go for lunch? How should we help our sick neighbour/friend? Ask what they think!
- allow time for them to express feelings. Don’t interrupt when your child gets emotional. Consider it a gift that they’re showing you exactly how they feel. They trust you enough to be vulnerable & real with you! Wait patiently & ask God to show u how to respond to outbursts!
- always answer questions with questions. For example, Do u think you’ll be safe? Do u think the friends at the party will help u make good decisions, or will you have to be the one leading? Give them a ‘spacious place’ from which to answer. Be careful not to crowd them in with expectations!
NOTE: be prepared to apply GRACE at all stages, esp. for the child who doesn’t readily embrace moral values. There is always grace available for the day at hand. God promises ‘His grace is sufficient’ for us; this applies to parenting also!