RAISING A WISE BOY (or girl)

Information based on content from the BOOK 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son (Vicki Courtney)

Consider the saying, ‘The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago’. For now, we could already be enjoying its fruit! The second best time to plant a tree is RIGHT NOW, today!

Most of the teachable moments for our children are most effective if introduced & implemented in the early years. In this case looking toward the teen years the ages of 8-12 are the most effective years to step in & step it up! The minute your son displays an impulsive desire to pursue something that is not good for him is the moment he is ready to learn some basic & Godly principles of self-control. In addition, it’s an added benefit if information discussed relating to values is on your radar BEFORE your son is engaged in the battle. Purpose to train your son on how to use the powerful weapons available to him as discussed in the Values4Life topics before the battle ever begins. Decide to choose prevention over possible crisis management by stepping in earlier than later!

Training our sons to make wise & Godly choices involves 2 lines of defence:-

1. Addressing the EXTERNAL FACTORS
2. Addressing the INTERNAL FACTORS (see topic of A Boys Strength: Self Control)

In considering the EXTERNAL FACTORS that can better equip our sons to make Godly choices we need to look at 3 factors:-

1. The PARENT factor

2. The FRIEND factor

3.The GOD factor.

 

1. The PARENT FACTOR

Caring, engaged parents typically raise happier & healthier children.

‘Teens do better with parents who set limits’ (article on USAToday.com)

• teens who have a bedtime of 10pm or earlier, set by parents, got more sleep, & were less likely to be depressed or consider suicide than those allowed to stay up past midnight.
• teen drivers whose parents set & enforced rules were more likely to wear seat belts & were less likely to speed, be involved in road accidents, drink & drive, or use mobile phones while driving
• teens whose parents set rules also smoke less, delay sex, & do better in school.

Parenting is hard work & takes dedicated time & energy over a long period of time. It takes time to teach & to train. It takes time to draw up boundaries, to maintain boundaries & to enforce boundaries when they are crossed. Decide to invest the necessary time & energy into training your kids. Purpose to do what it takes to train & guide them in the Way they should go! The path of greater resistance is the one worth pursuing….the path that leads to Life …the path that takes greater effort, greater time, greater resilience, greater resolve, greater communication,…..

Even if you are already an engaged & attentive parent, you must still contend with parents of your child’s friends who are not.

The truth is we can’t protect our sons 24/7 from making foolish choices, BUT we CAN set boundaries & rules to make it more difficult for them to make foolish choices. (Although I, Leigh, think a higher goal is training our kids at a young age to become self-directed & to be able to become healthy gate-keepers of their own hearts, & why it’s so important. See the topic Growing Self-Directed Kids. The Heart of the Matter Sessions also assist in engaging our son’s hearts & helping them to think about choices before they are in the middle of the serious ones to come).

Another avenue we have as a parent is to limit their exposure to situations where other parents are contributing to the pursuit of foolishness by failing to supervise the kids in their care. There is great value in helping your son find friends who have like-minded parents. Although the cross over will always occur & you’ll need to establish a protective balance to be most effective in your parenting influence. (Personally, I, Leigh, prefer the tact of involving & including my children’s peers in Values Sessions such as The Heart of the Matter Sessions or ‘Boyz Chat’ Sessions where each child investigates their own heart response to the ‘growing-up issues’ within the context of their peers, & alongside their parents as they are also informed & empowered!!!)

 

 2. The FRIEND FACTOR

Proverbs suggests a word of wisdom & guidance, ‘He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm’. (Prov 13:20)

The type of friends your son chooses or gravitates toward can speak volumes about his developing identity. It’s undetermined whether ‘identity determines peer group’ or ‘peer group determines identity’. Either way, when your son conforms to a peer group, it can have either positive or negative outcome on his behaviour.

Helping your son make a distinction between weekday & weekend friends in choosing a positive peer group can be a helpful measure.

• A WEEKDAY FRIEND might be someone your son meets at school or for an after-school activity. The friendship is built primarily during school hours or during the time spent in a common activity. Any time spent together would be at our home or in a closely monitored environment. This friend may or may not transition into a weekend friend.

• A WEEKEND FRIEND might be someone who has similar beliefs & values as your son. This is a friend you would not hesitate having over on the weekends or allowing your son to spend time with away from home. Obviously the weekend friend list is much shorter& more measured than the weekday friend list.

Some ways Researchers (in The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health) suggest parents can remain vigilant about the influence of their child’s peer group:-

• look beyond your child’s BFF peers to his or her close circle & wider peer group to identify & understand the full range of peer influence.

• pay attention to the composition of your child’s immediate circle of friends

• focus more on your child’s positive friends. These are the peers who are making a difference. Helping young people sustain positive relationships with good role models is protective.

• learn about the relationships your child’s friends have with their parents. By steering your children to friends who are close to their own parents, you can help reduce risk.

It may be necessary to completely ban your child from high-risk associations for a season (& sometimes permanently) when boundary lines are crossed or trust is breached.

PRAYER is always a necessary & very helpful key. A good prayer to pray is that if/when your son strays from the path of God & righteousness (making the right decisions), that he will be caught in his sin as early as possible. Simply put, we asked God to sound the sin alarm to ‘Repent! Turn Back!’ Catching your kids before they can hit the ‘snooze button’ & tune out from your influence & safe boundaries means [1] you will be able to address the problem at its root cause, & [2] you will be able to protect them from straying further down the path before they develop a negative habit or pattern.

 

3. The GOD FACTOR

Boys who adhere to a traditional faith-based practice are far more likely to be able to withstand the pressures of life, to have a sense of wholeness & purpose about themselves, than boys who have either been raised with no faith or with a formless self-directed faith. Meg Meeker in Boys Should Be Boys-7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons.

The first step to protecting our sons from being mastered by temptation & sin is to expose them to an environment that provides them with the one & only solution: a close & thriving relationship with Jesus Christ.

It’s important to NOTE that each of the 3 EXTERNAL factors presented above is dependent on PARENT IMPLEMENTATION & interaction!