Content based on The Strength For the Journey CD Series (Vanessa Hoyes, Pastor at Generation Church, Gold Coast)

 PROVERBS 31:11,12“The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no need of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.”

“Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it

Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long” (Msg)

“Her husb can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life” (NLT)

–being “come alongside” women to the men in our lives.

-we can read Prov 31 purely as a woman whether married, single, etc. Read it for your potential as a woman. See the wife as the church; the Bride of Christ who’s married to Jesus and has this relationship where the church can become “capable, intelligent and virtuous”. Read it in relation to ur relationship with Jesus.

-all have men in our world-sons, bosses, etc. The mandate as a woman is to come alongside the men in your world. As women we are designed to come alongside our men and to see them flourish and to do good to them.

-the flu or the”man flu”!!! Difference between men and women. Women have the inherent strength to push thru the pain and discomfort and to expect to birth something!i.e. A force to be reckoned with!

-women have the strength to bless or to crush. How am I using my strength as a woman? There are 2 extremes! (eg feminist ‘we are better than’, ‘don’t need men’,devalue men, or the submissive extreme). The blessing of our nation valuing women; the freedom we available to us as a result!

-use your strength to ‘come alongside’; understand the value you bring! Become ‘internally regal”!Understand your royalty and stature as a woman (the prov 31 woman).

-we have a responsibility for our response. The only thing we can change, is our response! It’s NOT our responsibility to change our men! The same Holy Spirit Who talks to them also talks to me!!! [Help me God to move out of the way; bring conviction Holy Spirit as I move out of the way, as I make room for You to move in my husband’s heart & life; convince my husband according to Your truth & leading. Not mine!!!] -green is my (Leigh’s) additions 🙂

*Be aware of a man’s heart; his inner most being, thoughts, desires. “His heart trusts”. It’s often hard to acknowledge their hearts if they don’t reveal their hearts often or easily, easy for us to forget they have an innermost being; then relate on a different level (intellectual, surface level). “How did that make you feel honey?” v’s “What do u think about that?”. Learn how to engage them and draw out their innermost being without cluttering and overwhelming them. “D&M’s” don’t often fit into their world. Ask open-ended questions; try not to be too intense! Be aware of our man’s hearts. It’s easy to fight back on their level; to present the same as they’re coming across. We don’t have to come across ‘strong” and fighting to survive!!!

*Does his heart feel safe with you?

–”to trust”=to have full confidence in, to attach to oneself, to confide in, to feel safe, to be confident, to have as a security, a refuge, to have a confident expectation in another, to rely upon.

-look for signs as to whether his heart feels safe with you. He won’t necessarily be able to tell you!

-the strength and weakness of a man is their ego; their God-given ego. It’s part of their make-up/who they are. It’s to be protected, lifted, esteemed, cared for.

-ego and heart are both to do with a man’s innermost being.

-a man’s ego is very easily effected, no matter how strong they are, or appear to be! They get effected on a different level, where we may get effected emotionally.

-We tend to gain POWER over another when we feel challenged. Never do this at the expense of crushing the other party; be aware of gaining “power over” our men, esp. as we grow in and realize the vision God has for us and how much we may want it-even at the expense of our relationship with our men. Be aware of rising up to crush your husb as you embrace ‘your’ vision & dreams and what you feel God is calling you to.

-true strength lies in the power to readily SUBMIT. “Submission” = to come under the same mission; to go in the same direction, to realign, to draw back in.

-our husbands need to know we’re on the same path,; that we’re living for the same cause.

-the heart of a man is not to hold back, or repress, or restrict. HE may often not know how to do it, or how to do it well!

-seek to gain understanding. Are there reasons he’s acting like this? Why is he responding with a controlling spirit? What is it in him that I can help come alongside? (not to change, but to ‘simply’ come alongside). Holy Spirit how can I come alongside and identify where this is coming from?

-the individual call on our lives is not more important than ‘just making this work’. Prioritize! Our men need to know that we prefer him over everything else!

-our men don’t need us to be perfect but they need to feel safe that we will rise up into the women of srength we have the capacity to become; that we will use our strength responsibly and appropriate; not “oh my goodness, is this how you are now; emotional and weak and hard to work with”.

He wants to believe in the power of our partnership, we underestimate the power we have to get over things and to move on. Sometimes our men just can’t get ‘over it’ unless we cm alongside and let them know we are safe to be with!

-choose appropriate moments to say ‘this is bothering me’ or ‘I’m not coping’.

–in the every day our men need us to be strong women; not to be up and down and emotional women. What kind of woman are you? Seek to raise his expectations (and yours!!!), of the woman of strength you are becoming; so he can readily trust you, rely on you, believe in you!!!

-it’s not the ‘doing’ they need from us as much as the ‘being’!!!

-for us to become this woman of strength and character is only to result in blessing our marriages as our husbands grow in feeling safe with us!

-we determine the climate of our home; do we get overwhelmed and submit to that atmosphere, or can the heart of our husband trust we’re doing ok? If you’re not doing okay get connected with a friend/trusted women in your world,or with God, take a breath and then go back at an appropriate time and talk about what needs to change. Find the voice you need within constraints of keeping confidence and not betraying your husb.

Eph 5:22-33 “Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord….

However, let each man of you [without] exception love his wife as his very own self;

v 33 and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [‘that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, and loves him, and loves and admires him exceedingly’].” (ampl)

-the above verse in brackets [ ] are things we can do; ways we can protect and build up and add to their ego. This is all about their ego; all about what they need ! Am I noticing, honouring, etc.? These things will become a natural progression as we become and grow more into being ‘come alongside’ women.

–do we notice them or do we give them our leftovers? Our husbands are not another child to organize or get ready; they are the men we are doing life with together; the men we love and adore and delight in. Are we obviouly ‘preferring’ them! Let’s notice our husbands. It’s a choice! Take the moment!

-our men wait for us to praise them; no one elses’ opinion matters more than ours to our husbands.

–be challenged in our lack of complimenting and admiring! Genuinely find the good in them/about them!

-have a vision, get a vision of who the people in our world can become; draw it out of them! ‘I love this about you…’, ‘I think you do this well..’, ‘I’m so blessed to have you in my world’.

–get good at appreciating each other! Help them to feel safe and validated!

-QUESTION:-”if u were to pass away this is what I wd miss about you…”. Think about it! Say it while they’re alive!!!!!!

-build into your words the potential to lift up and bless-not to crush! What potential do you allow your words to have? Be aware it may be a progressive effect; a gradual crushing perhaps!

*“The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no need of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil”.

“dishonest spoil” -men going out and having affairs

-if they don’t get what they need from us, whether they look for it or not, they’ll find it, or it will find them!

-An emotional connection can happen that’s not an affair, but may not be okay. A lot of affairs are apparent on an emotional level; emotional affairs occur where your getting something from someone else your not getting from your spouse.

-don’t be afraid to talk through with your spouse about someone else’s attractiveness. Talk it through. Be real! But measure whether you are attracted to that person (whether your mind and heart are attached), or you just find them an attractive person. The plan of the enemy is to diminish your intimacy with one another and to see you get it from elsewhere; dissatisfaction! ‘If only I had…’ is a very dangerous way to talk and think and feel; fantasies that can take you down longterm. Create an environment to talk through these things.

*Are you doing him good?

“She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.”

-what does this look like to your man? It will look different to different men!

-what do the men in your world need to feel nurtured and safe. Some things I need to do for my husband u’ll never have to even go there for your husb. Different roles in different relationshps. They’re individuals.

“to bring him good” = to treat well, to flourish, to see what is in them ripen, to be pleasing, excellent, cheerful, lovely, kind, lovable, sensual.

“Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life” (NLT)

“Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it

Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long” (Msg)

-”never spiteful, generous”

–”spiteful”= to crush, constant or subtle digging or remarks, nagging, niggling, to want one up on another

-”I want a boat/jet ski,…” Then they may need the car for hours, and be away for hours, etc. We can resent their need for ‘soul food’, and their search for what that is. Work at being gracious in this! Release the stuff attached to it! ‘What am I going to do?” “What about me?”

-allow an environment for the men in your world to stand up and be honest about their journey. If they did so would you freak out and not give them voice and the space they need; the safety? Or would you stand as a strong, virtuous woman? Fight on behalf of, and for… not against. HOW? By having a generous spirit…

-”she treats him generously all her days long” -we decide whether to be generous or stingy; are we generous or stingy with our attention, our emotions, our sensuality, our words… Am I going to choose to be generous or hold back and be stingy.

–Proverbs 12:4 “A virtuous and worthy wife [earnest, strong in character] is a crowning joy to her husband, but she who makes himashamed is as rotteness in his bones” (ampl)

“A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid woman is cancer in his bones” (msg)

-A challenge!!!!!!!!!

-“Ashamed”= to be put to shame (by s’one else); to be disappointed, disgraced, to be kept waiting….in the bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [be careful not to withhold intimmacy as a tool for control & manipulation to cause pain or distress]. To be ashamed can mean a context of shattered human emotions; it denotes confusion, guilt, broken expectations, disillusionment, and can even lead to a broken spirit. Defeat of this person can pervade the whole atmosphere they live in. This can be the result if she makes him ashamed!!!!!!!!! *a serious issue that needs attention and positive action!

-as rotteness to his ”bones”= their sense of self or esteem, the strength of their heart.

-as women we hv the ability and potential to shame, emasculate or disempower. Maybe this is because we are frigid, ‘cold’, ungenerous, reserved, unadventurous, withholding (hearing ‘no’ from you over and over will make them think there’s something wrong with them).

-create an environment of understanding, of allowing them to be honest and feel safe with you-he’ll want to be involved in more and more of our lives and who we are!

-‘making love’ is like glue; it holds us together; it’s so much more than the act itself, even for a man.[perhaps things have gotten SO bad that this is the only useful tool left to you??? Use it respectfully, but DO use it, before u lose your marriage].

Psalm 127 “Except the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it; except the watchman wakes but in vain.

It is vain for you to rise up early, to take rest late, to eat bread of [anxious] toil- for He gives [blessings] to His beloved in sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

As arrows are in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.

Happy, blessed, and fortunate is the man whose quiver is filled with them! They will not be put to shame when they speak with their adversaries [in gatherings] at the [city’s] gates”.

–If you can’t conceive, the pressure/attention falls on the woman, but these verses relate to the man; when a man can’t produce something. ‘The [city’s] gates’ = anything public (business, social relationshps,etc. [Shame is a heavy burden for a man when he’s failing in business, social relationships, his marriage relationship, his relationships with his kids, etc)]. “Shame” = same definition as Prov 12:4, that can lead to a broken spirit. A man can retort ‘there’s enough going on in my life, I can’t concentrate on this’. What’s going on in his world? ‘This’ shame is attached to a man not being able to reproduce and bring forth. This situation requires a shift of attention from us to prioritize by asking ‘what do I need to do to prefer, esteem, build up?’ Focus on him and use your strength to build hope; to encourage; ‘to infuse courage’ (so he’ll roar again).

*Is there life within you? She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

–”life”-fresh running water, vitality, health, vitality, vigour, refreshment. Are we refreshing? If the people in our lives had to rely on our words for life wd they be starving or full?????????? Words are nourishment! How’s your relationship with Jesus? This “life’ doesn’t come from a great marriage, a successful career, a sense of worth from what we do. It comes from an encounter; a relationship with Jesus Christ; an ongoing encounter with Jesus Christ! 

Prov 4:20-22 “Dear friend, listen well to My words; tune you ears to my voice. Keep my message in plain view at all times.Concentrate! Learn it by heart! Those who discover these words live, really live;body and soul, they’re bursting forth with health.[Keep vigilant watch over your heart;that’s where life starts]”

–to be full of God, to be full of His word, to be full of a relationship with Jesus is how we will bring forth life into these situations. It’s how we’ll have “endless energy and boundless strength”. It is how we’ll be vital. It will effect our sexual relationships ,and our emotional relationships. It is possible; but it’ll still be a choice; and all come out of relationship with Jesus.

Prov 15:4 “A gentle tongue [with it’s healing power] is a tree of life, but willful contariness in it breaks down the spirit”. (ampl)

“Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (NLT)

“Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim”(msg)

Prov 16:24 “Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the mind and healing to the body” (ampl)

“Gracious speech covers like clover honey-good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body” (msg)

“Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (NLT)

………..as long as there is life within us!

……….as long as we’re trusting in and have relationship with Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTE: It’s an interesting consideration to be a strong & virtuous woman (another msg under persoanl growth topics) while still being an ‘alongside wife’!!! Also a challenge & an immense balancing act that I believe requires a huge dose of grace & wisdom 🙂