KEYS & TIPS to SHARING Sensitive Issues

Info based on content from the BOOK: A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey with your Kids about Sex (Leman/Bell. Ch 3, 6)

HOW to LISTEN so they’ll TALK!!!

*give your undivided attention. Look your child in the eyes & maintain focus!

*ask their opinion. For example. Where do you think..? How should we…?

*allow your child time to express their feelings. Don’t interrupt when they get emotional. Consider it a gift that your child is showing you exactly how they feel. It’s an indication of trust on their part. Wait patiently & ask God to show you how to respond to her outbursts! Remember ‘love does not fly off the handle’. (1 Corinthians 13 The Message Bible)

*answer questions with questions. For example. Do you think you’ll be safe? Do you think the friends at the party will help you make good decisions, or will you have to be the one leading?

*anticipate your child’s questions. You’re asking this because? Where did you hear that? What made you think that?

-kids usually learn best with concise information presented in a few sentences, preferably with concrete, hands-on creative illustrations.

-find ways to take complicated material & break it down into simple components that will engage a heart response. For example, the practical illustrations presented within the TOPIC ‘Keys for Your Daughter’ (the heart, the apple, the pen in God’s hand, the rose).

-Example. ‘Mummy, where do babies come from’? Well, there’s a special pocket inside you (fill a ziplock bag) & it’s in that bag that the baby gets to grow & develop. Go on to share the wonder it is to be a life-bearer.

-Example. Almonds in the shell are a similar size to ovaries. (refer to the TOPIC ‘Kitchen-table Sex Ed’)

-don’t just share how to do something, show her how. Help her shave her legs, cleanse his/her face.

–kids will seek answers from whomever is most accessible & whomever provides the information they’re after in a way they can understand. This process sets you up as the expert, & the one who knows how to explain all the confusing realities your child will be faced with in the years to follow.

–always answer at an age-appropriate level. Learn to stall respectfully, especially when you’re caught off guard.

–remember to focus on your child’s emotional age verses their chronological age

–be careful not to give more info than they want or need at the time! In our endeavour to be open we can sometimes give more info than they want or need.

–remember our kids live in a highly sexualized world & probably are more aware than you prefer to acknowledge.

–the first step is to encourage the questioning process so they feel they can ask again. Keep the communication highway open!

–in the car driving is a great time to field & be prepared for the difficult questions! It can provide welcome distractions which help diffuse any uneasiness/awkwardness. Take a friend/family/spouse with you who’s on the same page & is good at helping discuss sensitive issues! Laughter helps!!!

–if your child doesn’t understand what you’ve said, or if you provide an answer to something other than what is asked, true communication hasn’t occurred!

-complete your talk or answer with, So, what do u think about that? About what I just said? Prompt a response so you can measure their grasp of the concept. Measure whether the discussion has engaged them at a heart level.

–it’s best to talk about an issue/the rules before a child gets emotionally attached to a particular answer. (For example issues regarding boys, parties, friends, fashion, etc)

–your reaction to every question is your kid’s ticket to the next question.

–ensure your child you will be available to answer anything they ask you to the best of your ability, or, at the least to do what it takes to finding the answer.

-a child can look at the horror on your face as a result of her question, & decide on the spot to never ask another sensitive question ever again! Be careful not to slam the door of communication shut. It’s the best tool you have as a parent.

-expect the shock. Anticipate being surprised. Your kids will probably choose the most inopportune & inconvenient moments to ask their sensitive questions. For example, at bedtime, when you’re too tired to feel like you care!!! Or perhaps early in the morning before everyone else is awake, including you 🙂

Read!!! Get accurate info.

-“an informed parent is an empowered parent”!

-be aware of the resources available to you.

–God’s Design for Sex age appropriate book series

– Things are Changing (Boys & Girls Puberty DVD’s) See www.choicez.com.au

-online http://www.medicinenet.com/fetal_development_pictures_slideshow/article.htm

–become a scholar at removing the mystery for your child. Make sex & all it’s ‘stuff’ seem like a wonderful & natural part of life-within the marriage relationship. It’s normal to talk about it, but not to exploit it! Always ensure the value connection is emphasized! Be aware that information will come in your child’s direction. Choose to be a part of the process and ensure the information is attached to value formation & within the healthy context of marriage. If not you may find your child defaulting to the information being packaged in a value-free, dirty, immoral context.

 

Know your goal

–the real goal is connecting with your child & demonstrating your concern & commitment to them. It’s a lot more than providing accurate information & being your child’s primary educator.

-your genuine intimacy & heartfelt attentiveness will become embedded forever in your child’s memory; even above excellent research & clear, accurate communication.

-if your goal is to connect with your kids you’ll have to consider sacrificing other things you might prefer. For example, the sensitive questions may arise at the inopportune time as the footy starts, or as your favourite TV show starts!!! Be prepared to prioritise. The long term fruit will be well worth the occasional-missed T.V. show.

-if you fail to walk thru the door of communication when it’s open, there’s no guarantee it will ever get opened again. –make it your goal to truly connect with your kids, whenever the opportunity arises.

-your kids questions are wonderful opportunities,…….not irritating interruptions; they are invitations to become more involved in their lives & to demonstrate your love for them, & your commitment to them!

The question for now is not ‘should I???’, but rather ‘HOW do I???’ talk to her about boys, & sex, & periods, & other scary stuff!!!

 

EXPECTATIONS

-God gave you the children you have with the expectation that you would teach them moral values that would help them to be physically, emotionally & spiritually whole & responsible.

-God expects us to be realistic & truthful that if we’re not up to it, that we would find the support & info necessary to accomplish your role as a parent. (We need each other also!)

 

PRACTICAL EXAMPLES & Tools

In our endeavour to be open we can sometimes give more info than they want or need. (eg. Mum, why are condoms flavoured? We can launch into a huge complicated talk on oral sex, etc, or you can start with a question. Okay honey, do you know what condoms are? Where did you hear about them? An answer could look like ‘A condom is something married people use to stop them having babies every time they love each other’.

-If u need to stall to dig for an answer ensure your child is aware that you intend to follow up with them. That’s an interesting question. I will need to look that up to ensure I answer u correctly. Remind me to talk about it again tomorrow afternoon if I forget!

Practice

-anticipate your child’s questions. Mum what do you think about masturbation, about having a boyfriend? Why is it best to wait until your married to have sex?

-to prepare mentally rehearse such phrases as :- That’s a great question, Is that what kids call it these days?, What else did people say?, Okay, let’s see, where should I begin…?

-chat with your spouse to ensure you’re both on the same page, with the same answers.

Look at families with older kids & how they coped. Discuss openly what you see with your kids. Good & bad!

-the key is answering present questions while anticipating & discussing future issues. (For example in the TOPIC: ‘Keys for Your Daughter’ the secret part of a girl’s beauty is represented by an apple which is to be kept whole & polished to be presented to one man, her husband. Later the apple will be revealed as her virginity as she’s more mature.)

-parties p.87-89

 

Wrap your discussions in the right context, always!

-in the context of MARRIAGE! Be sure you always wrap info about sex within the value system you endorse. Always talk marriage when talking about sex/intercourse.

-for example. What’s f…ing? What’s rooting? We don’t use that word in our house……… OR Oh honey, that’s a terrible word to use for something beautiful that only married people should be doing. It’s not a word you hear Mummy or Daddy using is it?

OR, I’m sorry you heard that word, but you’re going to hear people use bad language & say things that are inappropriate. You’ll have to make decisions your whole life whether it’s right for u to use those words or not.

-these hard spots can be valuable teaching moments,…. as long as u don’t freak out!

–What’s sex? Well, when you’re married, one of the best things about being together is that God gave a daddy & a mummy a wonderful way of being close with their bodies. You can stop there or continue. Let me tell you what sex is. A stork doesn’t drop the baby down the chimney, but a baby is created when a daddy puts his penis inside a mummy’s vagina. And…..

-What’s a condom? p.96

-be a scholar at removing the mystery for your child. Make sex & all it’s ‘stuff’ seem like a wonderful & natural part of life-all within the marriage relationship. Ensure the value connection is emphasized! Info will come in your child’s direction. You can choose to be a part of the process and ensure the info is attached to value formation & within the healthy context of marriage OR default to the info being packaged in a value-free, dirty, immoral context.