SELF-CONTROL

Content based on information from the BOOK: 5 Conversations You Must Have with your SON (Vicki Courtney)

· ‘It is better to be patient than powerful: it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city’ (Proverbs 16:32)

· “Everything is permissible for me-but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me- but I will not be mastered by anything”. (1 Corinthians 6:12)

· If our sons don’t learn the godly attribute of self-control, they will be at risk of becoming a ‘slave to whatever has mastered them” (1 Peter 2:19)

· Porn, alcohol, drugs, sex, dating relationships, video games, & other common boyhood temptations will cross their paths at some point on the journey to manhood. As parents we need to draw reasonable boundaries in an effort to protect them (oftentimes, from themselves), but we won’t always be there to guide them to make good & godly choices. Surely, as parents we desire more than to raise sons who simply behave as the result of snazzy behaviour-modification tactics gleaned from the latest & greatest parenting book. (Also see the Values4Life topic Growing Self-Directed Kids)

· Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galations 5:22-23 & is arguably a godly discipline that is mastered only by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. However, parents can do certain things to introduce basic principles of self-control into their sons’ lives at a young age, long before they may surrender their hearts & lives to Christ.

· In an effort to introduce the concept I (Vicki), have come up with a fairly simple formula that is easy to remember & provides a foundation to build on over the years. “STP”! Stop, think, pray.

· I, Leigh, would add an extra step with the ‘O’ in STOP!

Stop

Think

Obey

Pray

 STOP!

· The most risky behaviour found in men aged 9-35 occurs in 14 year olds.

· It’s up to us as parents to help our boys make wise choices by giving them the tools to build their self control muscles. The first step is in helping them to learn to simply ‘stop’, pause, or take a breath before jumping into something that can produce a whirlwind of devastating consequences. Guide them in measuring up every situation before they act. Importantly, guide your boy in involving God in his measuring-up process. The Holy Spirit promises to be our Guide in Psalm 32:8. “I will instruct you & teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you & watch over you”. God’s a trustworthy guide when we’re not present & when we can’t be sure our son’s peers or hormones can be trusted to guide him safely.

· Self-control produces freedom by teaching true mastery over temptations that come. Self-control gives your son the freedom to choose wisely. Without self-control they will become prime candidates to becoming a slave to temptations that cross their path.

· Learning to stop before reacting is key to developing self-control.

THINK

· Consider the distinct differences between the male & female brains. According to studies by Dr. Francine Benes of Boston’s McLean Hospital, the male brain in not at its full size until approximately age 30. The female brain attains optimal size during the teen period.

·“The prefrontal cortex of a guy’s brain first begins to develop during puberty. (but remember this growth phase isn’t complete til 30 your son is 30 y.o.) This part is responsible for discernment & judgement, something teenage guys often lack. The immaturity of his brain development may interfere with a guy’s ability to accurately judge safety & the long-term effects, consequences, & implications of the risks he takes”. (Steve Gerali, author of Teenage Guys). With this in mind it may be wise to lower your expectations of getting a reasonable answer to the questions, ‘What were you thinking?, or ‘did it ever cross your mind for a minute…? The bottom line is that they actually weren’t thinking at all, & no, it likely didn’t cross their minds, at all.

· The delayed cognitive development in the male brain doesn’t mean our sons are incapable of connecting possible consequences to certain actions. It just won’t come naturally to them. Thus, our role is in helping them to develop the habit of thinking first! Just as remembering to brush their teeth or to shower may not come naturally, we persevere in training them to prioritise such things so as not to pay the price down the road for poor dental health or unappealing body odour. The same is true with self-discipline. Even though it doesn’t come naturally to our sons to stop, pause & think things through, we persevere in the task, knowing that a lack of self-control can likewise leave them (& us) with a hefty price to pay down the road.

 OBEY

OBEY your parents

-obedience is not only a ‘good idea’, but an action that will bring blessing & good fruit throughout the course of your kids’ lives.

“Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached 
to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life." Ephesians 6:1-3 (Msg)

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to (God)”. Colossians 3:20 (Ampl)

Rules are in place to keep our kids safe; if they grow up knowing this truth they will be more likely to consistently obey the rules around them; rules set within your family unit, & by other respected authority figures. (teacher’s, school Principals, pastors, Youth group Leaders, police, following general, every day laws of the land, God, etc)

PRAY!

Our boys need to learn the value of leaning on God for strength as they develop their self-control muscles.

Assist your son in developing the habit of prayer. Matthew 26:41 encourages us to “Keep alert & pray”. He also states why. “Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak!”

Self-control is one of the most difficult disciplines to learn, both for our sons & for us. Our nature naturally gravitates toward instant gratification & pleasure. Our sons need to know that this desire is normal. However, excuses aside, we must be faithful in giving our sons the tools for exercising self-control less they grow up to become impulsive, foolish adults who live from one temporary pleasure to another. Momentary, temporary pleasures do not produce an abundant & fulfilling life, no matter how good they feel or seem at the time. Enslavement to ungodly temptations always produces misery.

True mastery over our natural fleshly tendencies & sinful desires, is only possible with the help of Christ! Our sons must be taught to lean on Christ for guidance, wisdom, & strength when facing temptations.

Depending on your son’s age, the temptation of the day may be simply resisting a can of sugary soda that you’ve said is off limits, or, reining in the urge to trip his sister when she walks past his room. If he’s older, the temptation may come in the form of saying no to a weekend party invitation where alcohol will be available, or clicking on a link to a porn Web site one of his mates told him about. Our sons need to be taught that fighting temptations in their own power will often prove futile. They need a supernatural strength that can only be found in Christ.

A formula for self-control could be summed up in 2 Peter 1:6 “Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, & patient endurance leads to godliness”. Self-control is a by-product of ‘knowing God’ &, as I mentioned earlier, a fruit of the Spirit. If we want to raise sons who are self-controlled, we must first introduce them to God & the beauty of the gospel. This doesn’t mean we drop them off at church each Sunday & trust that by default of being there they will develop a thriving relationship with God. Regular church attendance is only part of the equation. God has appointed us to be the primary disciplers of our sons & more will be caught than taught during the years our sons spend under our care. If you feel you’re not well equipped for this task, seek out someone who can help you set things in motion and to access the information you need to be the best parent possible for your son. (www.parentequip.info is a great place to be informed to enable you to be an empowered parent).

It is important for our boys to be taught self-control, but most important is gaining an understanding of the power & beauty of the gospel of grace available to them every day. This is summed up in Titus 2:11,12 “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness & worldly passions, & to live self-controlled, upright & godly lives in this present age…”

To attempt to teach our sons self-control apart from the power of Christ could be considered futile. It is similar to the concept of choosing mere ‘behaviour modification’ over the greater ‘heart inhabitation’.